"I"

I threw myself a pity party of one today. I decided my problems were more important than anything else going on in the world, and I wholeheartedly sank into the mire of my despair. Fortunately, I didn't stay there for long, thanks to the voice of reason coming from someone who loves me. I don't think I fully left my self-constructed zone of misery though, until just a bit ago, when I stumbled across the blog of a former schoolmate of mine, Daniel Harper.

I had been cranky all day about my recent job loss, getting told that my remaining job didn't need me today, the aches and pains of recent minor injuries and muscle tension. And I suddenly felt very, very ashamed of myself. I have every reason to be ashamed of myself.

It's a blog written by a 25-year-old, fighting for his life and battling brain cancer, and still finding something to be positive about. His story of his day-to-day battle, and the love of his wife who works a full-time job and still manages to take care of him too. The love in his 'voice' when he talks about her, and how she married him knowing that he had brain cancer. And it literally broke my heart and I cried, because I can read in his words both the beauty of the love that keeps them both going, and the incredible loss that they deal with on a daily basis. He said that in the midst all of his pain, his one hope is that God can still use him to touch the lives of others. Well, Daniel, your hope is realized.

But what broke my heart most was realizing how easy I really have it, how much I am truly blessed, and how ridiculously often I use the word "I" without a thought for anyone else. I'm sure one could argue that there will nearly always be someone in the world who has it worse than you do, or someone in the world who has it better. That's besides the point. Even in comparing myself to others, I am still predominantly thinking of myself.

The point I am trying to make, to myself if to no one else is, and what I took away from Daniel's blog more than anything was the journey he has been on. The constant battle in his own mind to see the bigger picture, and not be consumed by the self-pity that so easily ensues; and in his case, I would say from a human standpoint, he has every right to feel sorry for himself. It really doesn't get much worse than to be young and full of dreams and ideas and stuck in a body that is in complete rebellion. And yet, somewhere in the midst of all of it, he seems to have realized that positivity and optimism and God-centered thinking may be the only things that keep him going. Even though his natural reaction could very easily be to "curse God and die" as Job's friends so aptly put it, he is fighting to keep his mind centered on life, on things to live for.

I'm incredibly thankful for the reminder - for the jarring reality check. I don't really think it was a coincidence that I found his blog today either. When I was in college, it was generally an amazing speaker at convo (there were approx. 1 or 2 of those in any given year, for the record) whose story would speak to me and jolt me from my complacency. One year, it was a Vietnamese woman who spoke - she was the little girl from the Time photo running down the street on fire from napalm - and her incredible story that tore me away from my depression over my ongoing battles with TMJD pain. This time, it was Daniel Harper's story that reminds me. But really, I think it is my Abba Father speaking to me where I'm at, through the stories of others and their journeys. In any case, I am grateful.