Life Lessons

Lately I've been feeling like there are a lot of people in my life that I can't count on. It seems like people say things about what they will do, and then they never follow through on it. They tell you that you matter to them, and then they leave you hanging.

It has been a life project of mine, over the last several months especially, to look for the bright side or for something positive that I can take away from every discouraging situation.

Truthfully, I've always felt that I have been a fairly loyal friend, dependable & reliable, and that I follow through on what I say. (Often that is to my detriment, because it seems many people prefer casual friendships or people who don't actually care.) But there is always room for improvement, so I'm going to look for ways to learn from my experiences.

I'm trying to learn patience, something that has never come easily for me. When people flake out on me, most of the time it's easier for me to just write them off and move on. Or sometimes if they really matter to me, I obsess about it for awhile and wonder what I did wrong.

Slowly I'm learning that not everything someone does or says is actually related to anything I've done or said. Sometimes people just act in certain ways and there's really nothing I can do about it. Sometimes there's actually nothing I can do to change a given situation. That's probably the hardest lesson of all for me to learn. I always feel compelled to try to make things better, or find a way to be a better person so the situation will improve. And sometimes, it's just beyond me and the hardest part is just to let it go. I've had to make some tough calls recently regarding friendships. I've had to do what I believed was best for the friend in question and what was right at the risk of losing the friendship. It's the easiest choice I've ever made and yet the most heart-breaking at the same time. It's made people angry at me, and it's made them think I wasn't a 'good' friend, at least in the way that they wanted me to be. But I've learned the hard way that popular and right are often polar opposites. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to make the tough calls and let the chips fall where they may.

Integrity & sincerity, loyalty, dependability.... those come naturally to me, but I do have a whole lot of patience left to learn. I have to learn to just let things go sometimes. I have to learn to let go.

Maybe there are a few people out there still who will value my "steadiness" as a good quality, instead of viewing it as something that makes me boring or old-fashioned. In the meantime, it's not fair for me to expect people to be something they are not. It's not my call to make about how they live their lives, even if sometimes it affects me greatly. The only thing I can do is live the best I can and allow others to make their own choices and live their own lives. I'm the only person I'm actually able to change.

Of the end to my giant walk-in refrigerator and Shelob version 5.1

Big ups to my roomie's boyfriend for fixing the heating issue and for killing giant spiders. It seriously could have been a fire-breathing dragon and I would have been slightly less terrified.

So much for being SuperGirl....

SuperGirl

"I'm SuperGirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know - who's gonna save me? I'm SuperGirl and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know why I feel so alone...."

Supergirl by Krystal Harris

Nighty-Night

This day has been far too long already as it is. I'm out for the count. Breakfast at 9 tomorrow, and I already have a lack-of-sleep headache that could make a grown man cry.

Thanksgiving

For the beauty of the earth, for the glory of the skies. For the love which from our birth, over and around us lies. Lord of all to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise.

Restless

I find it uncommonly irritating, this waiting for my life to begin again. This lack of a location to direct my energy into, lack of purpose, lack of work.

The days are starting to drag by in a monotony of job applications, job searching, cleaning the house, going for runs, and all of the other random things I have become involved in since moving here again. I don't really have any days that are that boring or empty, because I always manage to find something useful or fun to do. But there's nothing that is challenging my brain lately, and I feel like it's going to mush. There's not enough work at the mall to challenge my body either, and even after a good run, I'm rarely ever tired enough to actually fall asleep without tossing and turning. The stress factor probably adds a good deal to my insomnia.

As resolute as I've been to keep the faith, I'm starting to doubt that I made the right choice moving back here. I had thought about it a lot, prayed about it, and I thought it was where I needed to go. But almost 2 months later, it's easy to doubt myself now.

I'm starting to feel trapped here, hemmed in. If it weren't for all the people I would hurt, I could seriously just hop a plane for parts unknown right now and leave it all behind. Start all over again somewhere else. I've been on my own long enough and far enough away from the familiar that it doesn't scare me that much anymore. Truthfully, the familiar almost scares me more. I hate ruts probably worse than I hate change. Yes, I realize that I'm a walking paradox.

If I don't belong here, if I'm not supposed to be here, then where am I supposed to be? This is ridiculous. I don't know another word for it. I'm not much when you condense me.... not really that amazingly great at anything. But I'm not prepared to settle for ordinary, for meaningless, for monotony. I'm not prepared to be nobody. I'm 27 years old, and I'm tired of waiting.

Give me a different soundtrack

It cannot bode well for the rest of the day when you wake up with a Miley Cyrus song stuck in your head.

What's It Gonna Be?

I fought it. I turned it over and over in my mind, examining it like a sea stone. Feeling the weight of it, the smooth edges, checking for sharp corners or unexpected crevices. It whispered to me and called my name, like the ethereal call of a bird on the wind, beckoning me. I prayed for wisdom, and surrendered myself to the wild strains of the blowing wind and all the possibilities carried on the breeze.

Now I can't see the horizon, can't sense the direction of the wind, and I'm alone in a sea of blue waiting for the first sign of land to appear. And here I wait, holding my breath, listening for the faintest song of hope carried to my wildly beating heart. Waiting for you to set me free from the fear of not knowing, of not moving, of not being. Don't leave me adrift on the sea. Either sail away with me over the horizon into a land of blue skies, or let me find my feet on solid ground again.

The Never-Ending Search

Third week of November, and I'm still job hunting. I keep applying, keep hoping. I'll admit it's kind of getting me down though. A month and a half in and no signs of any progress. I got turned down flat at a job interview on Monday because I wouldn't work Saturdays. What's a job if you can't keep your conscience?

Some friends tell me to apply for anything I can, which is pretty much what I've been doing. Others say focus the effort more for what I really want, so I do put a little extra thought and time into those cover letters. Half the time, the job ad says "no calls" and I can't even track the company down if I wanted to.

I really do believe God has a plan for me, and I don't think it is to be unemployed forever. So I guess I just keep doing my best and trusting that whatever He's got in mind will happen at the right time.

I Told You So

Is it arrogance if I knew deep down that this day would come, and now it has and all I feel is indifferent and slightly smug? Honey, this ship has sailed. Don't come around whining about how your life sucks now and you're lonely. And don't think I'm a bitch for not having sympathy - I just put up with too much BS for way too long. I'm not holding a grudge - I've just moved on, and so should you.

I live in a walk-in freezer.

If I ever ran out of space in the refrigerator, I could use my room as extra fridge space. It's always 10° colder than the rest of the house. I wish that I was kidding about the temperature. The vent in the ceiling blows only cold air in my room.

Mercy

"...I don't know what this is, but you've got me good, just like you knew you would. I don't know what you do, but you do it well - I'm under your spell. You've got me begging you for mercy..."

I feel like Cinderella minus the fairy godmother....

Today: work @ the mall from Sun. night at 6 p.m. till 2:30 a.m this morning., sleep, job interview, early dinner, work from 5:30 p.m. till 11:30 p.m. Damages: a banged-up knee, a bruised ego, aching feet and back, and a slight misunderstanding with a friend regarding dinner plans. Is it really only Monday night?

And just as a side-note: why the heck are the people I'm working with in TN on average waaayyy more cranky than most of the people I worked with in Colorado? I'm in the store, I'm busting my butt trying to keep up with everything I have to do, and there's somebody jumping on me every 5 minutes. "Did you do this? You didn't do that!"

The only theories I've managed to come up with so far are pretty weak:

1) It's because people in Colorado are more active (on average) than people in Tennessee are (on average). Therefore, people in Colorado feel better about life and about themselves.

2) Building off of Theory 1: They all hate me because I'm skinnier than all but one of them. (It's happened before.)

3) Their men spend too much time watching football and not enough time on them.

4) PMS is somehow inexplicably worse for women living in the South.

I'm baffled.

Vows

Last Friday night, I went to a vespers concert with my brothers and some friends at Southern. The artist was Andrew Peterson, and it was really nice to just sit and listen to him sing and play and share things he's learned from life.

Out of everything he said though, one thing stands out to me the most. He was telling the story of a couple who opted out of the traditional wedding vows that most couples say, and at their wedding they simply looked each other in the eyes and promised, "I will never divorce you." That story has haunted me since then. Because it's really such a simple phrase, and yet how many people today would have the nerve to get married and say those exact vows?

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of the day I would get married to my "perfect" man. I dreamed about the dress and the flowers, the kiss and the thrown bouquet. But those dreams are such a minute part of what a wedding really means. I've seen so many marriages around me where the people seemed trapped. I've honestly not had many good examples to look up to - and no offense intended to anyone reading this who might be married, but you guys don't always make the best of it. I've had harsh things to say about people that really didn't belong together. Unhappiness can be like a cancer, spreading to those around you, if you let it. But I've also seen marriages where both people truly put the other one first, and even though they hit rough patches and didn't always agree, they made it work because they had invested 100% of themselves into making it work.

Truthfully, I think sometimes people overthink these things. Yes, compatibility matters. Yes, being with the right person matters. But at the end of the day, no matter who you are with, I promise you that they'll be imperfect. I promise you that on occasion, they will drive you nuts. I guarantee you that there will be hours, days, maybe even weeks or months when you don't "feel" much love for them. But love isn't about feelings entirely. It's about making a decision to love someone in action and word regardless of how you 'feel' at a given moment. And I also guarantee that they will still be worth your time, your love, and your commitment if you follow the plan God has for you.

I've been burned... I know what it feels like to be committed to someone who isn't committed to you. Not in the context of marriage, but a serious relationship. I'm not afraid that I can't commit to someone - I'm afraid that I will and find myself alone again. But I also believe that God has a plan for my life, and it's not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. And if that day comes when I find myself pledging the rest of my life to the man of my reality (because dreams are just that - dreams), I hope that I will have the courage to look him in the eyes and promise, "I will love you for the rest of my life. And I will never divorce you."

There is beauty in simplicity.