True confessions

I am such a girl.... I tried a new hairstyle tonight, and it turned out so well that I'm loathe to go to bed because that will mess it up and I'm afraid it will never look this good again. You can laugh at me - I don't mind.

Cleaning therapy

Actually got to work a shift today, and they even kept me for an extra hour! :-o Oh my.

Came home and ate something, and then launched into cleaning & laundry. I wanted to wrap Christmas presents tonight, but I couldn't stand my dirty house anymore.

Cleaning house is therapeutic for me. It's a good thing, or I wouldn't be so inclined to actually do it on a regular basis. So far, I've cleaned everything but my bedroom. For some reason, that always winds up being the last frontier. I have no idea....

I started a new tradition tonight. I only allow myself the luxury of lighting candles in rooms that I've finished cleaning. It's a good motivator, 'cause one of the things I love most about a clean house is how good it smells.

Well, enough procrastinating. I've got to go conquer that final frontier. It must go back to days of my childhood... I always hated cleaning my room, mostly because I got told to clean it, which is so dumb considering that I like cleaning. I guess I'm more contrary than I am a neat freak.

No pain, no gain?

I'm trying to think of pain as a growing experience. If I'm hitting the gym and parts of me hurt that I didn't even know existed, it means my body is getting stronger. If life is beating me up, then I just hope and pray that I can use it as a learning experience to become a better person.

But in the meantime..... ouch. Do you ever just want one day for "down-time" completely free of this crazy, uphill battle? Just one.... Just time to breathe, and be.

Not much to say....

Men are the most baffling and confusing creatures on the planet. The End.

Cry Me a River - Michael Bublé

RULES:

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

4. Tag 25 people in your note that you want to do this activity. 

=====

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?

I've Got the World on a String - Michael Bublé

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

Got Nothin' Better To Do - LeAnn Rimes (how's that for an ego booster? mercy...)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Satellite Heart - Anya Marina

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

Hello - Evanescence

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

A Little Less Conversation - Elvis Presley (hahahaha, as if)

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?

Viva La Vida - Coldplay (not making this up, promise)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

Adagio - Lara Fabian

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Believe - Josh Groban

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?

He Left a Lot to Be Desired - Ricochet

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Jump, Jive, & Wail - The Brian Setzer Orchestra

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

Nobody Wants to Be Lonely - Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera (another ego blow)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

All I Want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey (huh?)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Dirrty - Christina Aguilera (hahahahahaha.... in retrospect, I probably shouldn't even have this song in my iTunes...)

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

I Hate Myself for Loving You - Joan Jett (grief, I hope not!)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Song for the Lonely - Cher (what the heck?? you've got to be kidding me!)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

The Power of the Dream - Celine Dion (not quite true, but I do hate nightmares...)

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

Breath of Heaven - Nicol Smith (yeah, how about no)

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?

Building a Mystery - Sarah McLachlan

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

You're Not Alone - Meredith Andrews (true)

22. WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD'S FIRST WORDS BE?

Nessun Dorma - Andrea Bocelli (highly unlikely, unless per chance I marry an Italian, and even then...)

23. WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

Reflections - Christina Aguilera (not even kidding)

24. WHAT DID YOU SAY IN YOUR SLEEP LAST NIGHT?

When - Shania Twain

25. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

Cry Me a River - Michael Bublé

Sorry, guys, not tagging anyone. Feel free to re-post if you want.

Out of order. Estimated time for completion of repairs still pending.

Woke up feeling like something the cat disposed of today. And no, I would not like a side of fries with that. Gah, the waiters these days....

Of 2a.m. shopping trips, and damaged ankles

What a random day.... Went to a Comcast job fair at the mall, then played with 4 adorable munchkins for awhile. April brought the kids to the mall to play today. I was chasing them around the play area still in my dress shirt and suit pants. I did ditch the heels however. Haha. They've gotten so big! But they're still the cutest kids ever. They all have way more energy than I can remember ever having.

Forgot to eat all day, and about the time 3p.m. rolled around, I started seeing spots and my hearing was getting that scary muffled feeling like before you pass out. Guess I should be more careful about not eating.

Came home, ate something finally and tried to be productive but wound up attempting to catch up on the sleep I've been missing.

Caught my foot in my laptop power cord on the way out of the room to answer my cell phone. The power cord attacked my ankle and won I might add, and I'm now walking a little funny. (That little black box adapter thingy on the power cord flew up and hit my ankle really hard.) I tried icing it which helped some, but it still doesn't like me driving. And of course, it's my right ankle. I think it's just bruised, but it really freakin' hurt for awhile. And my pain tolerance is generally pretty good.

Alex wanted me to come over and help her decorate her Christmas tree, and we wound up running to Wal-Mart at 2a.m. for more Christmas ornaments. Probably part of the reason my ankle is hurting more again. Guess I should stay off the darn thing for awhile at least.... I just don't believe in injuries or illnesses much. They have to knock me flat out before I pay much attention. *sigh*

Life Lessons

Lately I've been feeling like there are a lot of people in my life that I can't count on. It seems like people say things about what they will do, and then they never follow through on it. They tell you that you matter to them, and then they leave you hanging.

It has been a life project of mine, over the last several months especially, to look for the bright side or for something positive that I can take away from every discouraging situation.

Truthfully, I've always felt that I have been a fairly loyal friend, dependable & reliable, and that I follow through on what I say. (Often that is to my detriment, because it seems many people prefer casual friendships or people who don't actually care.) But there is always room for improvement, so I'm going to look for ways to learn from my experiences.

I'm trying to learn patience, something that has never come easily for me. When people flake out on me, most of the time it's easier for me to just write them off and move on. Or sometimes if they really matter to me, I obsess about it for awhile and wonder what I did wrong.

Slowly I'm learning that not everything someone does or says is actually related to anything I've done or said. Sometimes people just act in certain ways and there's really nothing I can do about it. Sometimes there's actually nothing I can do to change a given situation. That's probably the hardest lesson of all for me to learn. I always feel compelled to try to make things better, or find a way to be a better person so the situation will improve. And sometimes, it's just beyond me and the hardest part is just to let it go. I've had to make some tough calls recently regarding friendships. I've had to do what I believed was best for the friend in question and what was right at the risk of losing the friendship. It's the easiest choice I've ever made and yet the most heart-breaking at the same time. It's made people angry at me, and it's made them think I wasn't a 'good' friend, at least in the way that they wanted me to be. But I've learned the hard way that popular and right are often polar opposites. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to make the tough calls and let the chips fall where they may.

Integrity & sincerity, loyalty, dependability.... those come naturally to me, but I do have a whole lot of patience left to learn. I have to learn to just let things go sometimes. I have to learn to let go.

Maybe there are a few people out there still who will value my "steadiness" as a good quality, instead of viewing it as something that makes me boring or old-fashioned. In the meantime, it's not fair for me to expect people to be something they are not. It's not my call to make about how they live their lives, even if sometimes it affects me greatly. The only thing I can do is live the best I can and allow others to make their own choices and live their own lives. I'm the only person I'm actually able to change.

Of the end to my giant walk-in refrigerator and Shelob version 5.1

Big ups to my roomie's boyfriend for fixing the heating issue and for killing giant spiders. It seriously could have been a fire-breathing dragon and I would have been slightly less terrified.

So much for being SuperGirl....

SuperGirl

"I'm SuperGirl, and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know - who's gonna save me? I'm SuperGirl and I'm here to save the world, but I wanna know why I feel so alone...."

Supergirl by Krystal Harris

Nighty-Night

This day has been far too long already as it is. I'm out for the count. Breakfast at 9 tomorrow, and I already have a lack-of-sleep headache that could make a grown man cry.

Thanksgiving

For the beauty of the earth, for the glory of the skies. For the love which from our birth, over and around us lies. Lord of all to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise.

Restless

I find it uncommonly irritating, this waiting for my life to begin again. This lack of a location to direct my energy into, lack of purpose, lack of work.

The days are starting to drag by in a monotony of job applications, job searching, cleaning the house, going for runs, and all of the other random things I have become involved in since moving here again. I don't really have any days that are that boring or empty, because I always manage to find something useful or fun to do. But there's nothing that is challenging my brain lately, and I feel like it's going to mush. There's not enough work at the mall to challenge my body either, and even after a good run, I'm rarely ever tired enough to actually fall asleep without tossing and turning. The stress factor probably adds a good deal to my insomnia.

As resolute as I've been to keep the faith, I'm starting to doubt that I made the right choice moving back here. I had thought about it a lot, prayed about it, and I thought it was where I needed to go. But almost 2 months later, it's easy to doubt myself now.

I'm starting to feel trapped here, hemmed in. If it weren't for all the people I would hurt, I could seriously just hop a plane for parts unknown right now and leave it all behind. Start all over again somewhere else. I've been on my own long enough and far enough away from the familiar that it doesn't scare me that much anymore. Truthfully, the familiar almost scares me more. I hate ruts probably worse than I hate change. Yes, I realize that I'm a walking paradox.

If I don't belong here, if I'm not supposed to be here, then where am I supposed to be? This is ridiculous. I don't know another word for it. I'm not much when you condense me.... not really that amazingly great at anything. But I'm not prepared to settle for ordinary, for meaningless, for monotony. I'm not prepared to be nobody. I'm 27 years old, and I'm tired of waiting.

Give me a different soundtrack

It cannot bode well for the rest of the day when you wake up with a Miley Cyrus song stuck in your head.

What's It Gonna Be?

I fought it. I turned it over and over in my mind, examining it like a sea stone. Feeling the weight of it, the smooth edges, checking for sharp corners or unexpected crevices. It whispered to me and called my name, like the ethereal call of a bird on the wind, beckoning me. I prayed for wisdom, and surrendered myself to the wild strains of the blowing wind and all the possibilities carried on the breeze.

Now I can't see the horizon, can't sense the direction of the wind, and I'm alone in a sea of blue waiting for the first sign of land to appear. And here I wait, holding my breath, listening for the faintest song of hope carried to my wildly beating heart. Waiting for you to set me free from the fear of not knowing, of not moving, of not being. Don't leave me adrift on the sea. Either sail away with me over the horizon into a land of blue skies, or let me find my feet on solid ground again.

The Never-Ending Search

Third week of November, and I'm still job hunting. I keep applying, keep hoping. I'll admit it's kind of getting me down though. A month and a half in and no signs of any progress. I got turned down flat at a job interview on Monday because I wouldn't work Saturdays. What's a job if you can't keep your conscience?

Some friends tell me to apply for anything I can, which is pretty much what I've been doing. Others say focus the effort more for what I really want, so I do put a little extra thought and time into those cover letters. Half the time, the job ad says "no calls" and I can't even track the company down if I wanted to.

I really do believe God has a plan for me, and I don't think it is to be unemployed forever. So I guess I just keep doing my best and trusting that whatever He's got in mind will happen at the right time.

I Told You So

Is it arrogance if I knew deep down that this day would come, and now it has and all I feel is indifferent and slightly smug? Honey, this ship has sailed. Don't come around whining about how your life sucks now and you're lonely. And don't think I'm a bitch for not having sympathy - I just put up with too much BS for way too long. I'm not holding a grudge - I've just moved on, and so should you.

I live in a walk-in freezer.

If I ever ran out of space in the refrigerator, I could use my room as extra fridge space. It's always 10° colder than the rest of the house. I wish that I was kidding about the temperature. The vent in the ceiling blows only cold air in my room.

Mercy

"...I don't know what this is, but you've got me good, just like you knew you would. I don't know what you do, but you do it well - I'm under your spell. You've got me begging you for mercy..."

I feel like Cinderella minus the fairy godmother....

Today: work @ the mall from Sun. night at 6 p.m. till 2:30 a.m this morning., sleep, job interview, early dinner, work from 5:30 p.m. till 11:30 p.m. Damages: a banged-up knee, a bruised ego, aching feet and back, and a slight misunderstanding with a friend regarding dinner plans. Is it really only Monday night?

And just as a side-note: why the heck are the people I'm working with in TN on average waaayyy more cranky than most of the people I worked with in Colorado? I'm in the store, I'm busting my butt trying to keep up with everything I have to do, and there's somebody jumping on me every 5 minutes. "Did you do this? You didn't do that!"

The only theories I've managed to come up with so far are pretty weak:

1) It's because people in Colorado are more active (on average) than people in Tennessee are (on average). Therefore, people in Colorado feel better about life and about themselves.

2) Building off of Theory 1: They all hate me because I'm skinnier than all but one of them. (It's happened before.)

3) Their men spend too much time watching football and not enough time on them.

4) PMS is somehow inexplicably worse for women living in the South.

I'm baffled.

Vows

Last Friday night, I went to a vespers concert with my brothers and some friends at Southern. The artist was Andrew Peterson, and it was really nice to just sit and listen to him sing and play and share things he's learned from life.

Out of everything he said though, one thing stands out to me the most. He was telling the story of a couple who opted out of the traditional wedding vows that most couples say, and at their wedding they simply looked each other in the eyes and promised, "I will never divorce you." That story has haunted me since then. Because it's really such a simple phrase, and yet how many people today would have the nerve to get married and say those exact vows?

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of the day I would get married to my "perfect" man. I dreamed about the dress and the flowers, the kiss and the thrown bouquet. But those dreams are such a minute part of what a wedding really means. I've seen so many marriages around me where the people seemed trapped. I've honestly not had many good examples to look up to - and no offense intended to anyone reading this who might be married, but you guys don't always make the best of it. I've had harsh things to say about people that really didn't belong together. Unhappiness can be like a cancer, spreading to those around you, if you let it. But I've also seen marriages where both people truly put the other one first, and even though they hit rough patches and didn't always agree, they made it work because they had invested 100% of themselves into making it work.

Truthfully, I think sometimes people overthink these things. Yes, compatibility matters. Yes, being with the right person matters. But at the end of the day, no matter who you are with, I promise you that they'll be imperfect. I promise you that on occasion, they will drive you nuts. I guarantee you that there will be hours, days, maybe even weeks or months when you don't "feel" much love for them. But love isn't about feelings entirely. It's about making a decision to love someone in action and word regardless of how you 'feel' at a given moment. And I also guarantee that they will still be worth your time, your love, and your commitment if you follow the plan God has for you.

I've been burned... I know what it feels like to be committed to someone who isn't committed to you. Not in the context of marriage, but a serious relationship. I'm not afraid that I can't commit to someone - I'm afraid that I will and find myself alone again. But I also believe that God has a plan for my life, and it's not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. And if that day comes when I find myself pledging the rest of my life to the man of my reality (because dreams are just that - dreams), I hope that I will have the courage to look him in the eyes and promise, "I will love you for the rest of my life. And I will never divorce you."

There is beauty in simplicity.

Sharapova's Rock

http://sports.yahoo.com/tennis/blog/busted_racquet/post/Vujacic-proposed-to-Sharapova-with-quarter-milli?urn=ten-280035

Seriously?? 'Cause 8 carats just isn't a big enough rock.

Celebrities really don't even live on the same planet that I do. $250,000 could easily get me through 10 years of early retirement, or 5 years of touring the world.

Tornado warning

I've survived a ruptured appendix, growing up with three brothers, several major surgeries (one of which was jaw surgery and included not eating for 6 weeks), car accidents, gang-bangers with baseball bats, driving the pass during blizzards in Colorado, thousands of miles worth of road trips and flights, horrible food poisoning, and a myriad of heartaches including the deaths of two beloved grandparents & a major relationship break-up, just to name a few. All this in my relatively short lifetime. Tornadoes no longer scare me. They probably should, but they don't.

Progress

Interview next Monday with an employment agency, and I got an e-mail back from Habitat for Humanity. I also discovered a local ladies' self defense class I can join. Things are (mostly) looking up.

As for everything else, I suppose I shall just have to dig in my heels and wait...

Stress Level Test

Just took an online stress level test (it measures major life changes you've experienced over the last year) and scored a 375. Just in case anyone was wondering, that's not a good thing, and they say I have a 90% chance of developing an illness.

No wonder I'm not dealing with life at optimum levels at the moment.... Some things you actually are better off not knowing about yourself. I'm actually not suffering from low back pain, however. There's a positive!

http://www.lower-back-pain-answers.com/stress-level-quiz.html

Journeys

I swore I'd never move back to this place. It never was my #1 pick for somewhere to settle down, and I didn't want to join the myriads of former classmates who got sucked into the vacuum that is Chattanooga.

But then something shifted in my brain this fall. I think it was after about the 2nd job interview that turned out to be fruitless. I'd been feeling like I was stagnating for awhile anyway, but I was enjoying the total independence of being completely on my own. Friends and family kept telling me I should move back... and I wanted to ignore it, but it was like all the pieces in my brain just finally fit together. Kept praying about it and all the street signs seemed like they were pointing in one direction.

So I just made up my mind, and never looked back. I packed up my stuff, loaded up the car, and hit the road. My folks helped me move, but I drove nearly the entire trip myself because I knew I had to be the one driving that car away, and making the conscious choice to leave. A year and a half of life in the Rockies was over. Three years invested in that direction... and as the miles flew away under my car wheels, so did everything else as I left it all behind.

I have no regrets for where my life took me at that point in time, but if I was miraculously offered a chance to go back to the way things were and keep going, I wouldn't take it. Eight months past emotional hell, I know who I am even more than before, and I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. In leaving Colorado, it was like the last shard of the past finally was put where it belonged - in the past. I find it difficult at best to even connect who I am now to where I was then. I know what I felt and what I gave at that point was real, but I'm so far removed from that mindset now that it barely makes sense to me.

Truthfully, I don't have a clue what life has in store for me in Tennessee. I feel at peace with being here, that it's where I'm supposed to be. But I don't know why or for what purpose. I don't have a full-time job yet, and that's just a little more than stressful. I keep sending out applications, and hearing little back. Most of the jobs I've found online won't even allow you to call them, so it's frustrating. I tried joining Habitat for Humanity as a volunteer and can't even get them to respond.... oh well.

I'm still figuring out a lot of things about living here again. I want to join a praise team somewhere so I can actually get back into my music again. That hasn't happened yet, but I believe it will. A few other little things that I was looking forward to about living here again don't seem to be panning out the way I'd hoped, but it's rather out of my control. I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens. That's usually easier said than done for me.

It feels good to be in a good place though. God has led me this far, and I know He won't abandon me now. Sometimes the things you are afraid will destroy you only make you stronger.

Truths for Mature Humans

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

Wondering....

It's a half-awake, half-asleep kind of feeling. It starts in the pit of my stomach and works its way down to my toes. It leaves my brain churning and confused. I argue with myself, consider every angle, review each detail, until I've exhausted the subject. And then I review it all again in reverse. From one side it looks one way, and from another angle it looks completely different. It all depends on the opening premise for my current viewpoint.

One half of me is hopeful, effervescent, invincible, glass-half-full. The other half argues for 'reason', for logic, for a lack of probability and the glass is half empty.

I view it from amazement and feel blessed. I view it with a cynical gaze and feel hopelessly discouraged. At some point it finally occurs to me that I'm trying to figure out an answer to a question without enough information to arrive at a conclusion. If I were 7 years old again, I could solve it all by simply pulling the petals off of a daisy, one at a time. But I'm 27 now, and I'm stuck with.... wondering.

Finally Home, by Natalie Grant

I am here alone, in the falling snow,
And the wind, it cools my tears.
I have been so wrong,
I have turned away, but the road was long,
And finally I have come to my knees,
I want to be...

Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms,
I'm finally home!

Oh the winds of change,
They blow slow and cool!
Oh the wandering of a fool,
But I have laid it down,
In my Father's hands,
Where the weight of suffering,
Is carried by the arms of a cross,
Healing my loss...

Where I can walk,
Where I can run,
Where my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Where I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms

Heaven has reached into my lonely soul.
Loving so deep, and so complete,
'Til I don't feel alone.
Where the light of love is burning,
Where the past is washed away,
Where I feel the sunlight shining on my face!

Now I can walk,
Now I can run,
Now my heart sings,
And I feel the sun,
Now I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind,
I'll run into my Father's arms,
I'm finally home!

Now I can trust,
And I'm strong enough,
Free like the wind I run,
Into my Father's arms
I'm finally home

Re-vamping my blog

It's been awhile since I've actually blogged on here. This page started as a school assignment for a media class I was taking at UTC my senior year. I'll have to post something soon, but I spent so much time 'tweaking' my layout, that it probably won't be tonight. *laughs*