Journeys

I swore I'd never move back to this place. It never was my #1 pick for somewhere to settle down, and I didn't want to join the myriads of former classmates who got sucked into the vacuum that is Chattanooga.

But then something shifted in my brain this fall. I think it was after about the 2nd job interview that turned out to be fruitless. I'd been feeling like I was stagnating for awhile anyway, but I was enjoying the total independence of being completely on my own. Friends and family kept telling me I should move back... and I wanted to ignore it, but it was like all the pieces in my brain just finally fit together. Kept praying about it and all the street signs seemed like they were pointing in one direction.

So I just made up my mind, and never looked back. I packed up my stuff, loaded up the car, and hit the road. My folks helped me move, but I drove nearly the entire trip myself because I knew I had to be the one driving that car away, and making the conscious choice to leave. A year and a half of life in the Rockies was over. Three years invested in that direction... and as the miles flew away under my car wheels, so did everything else as I left it all behind.

I have no regrets for where my life took me at that point in time, but if I was miraculously offered a chance to go back to the way things were and keep going, I wouldn't take it. Eight months past emotional hell, I know who I am even more than before, and I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. In leaving Colorado, it was like the last shard of the past finally was put where it belonged - in the past. I find it difficult at best to even connect who I am now to where I was then. I know what I felt and what I gave at that point was real, but I'm so far removed from that mindset now that it barely makes sense to me.

Truthfully, I don't have a clue what life has in store for me in Tennessee. I feel at peace with being here, that it's where I'm supposed to be. But I don't know why or for what purpose. I don't have a full-time job yet, and that's just a little more than stressful. I keep sending out applications, and hearing little back. Most of the jobs I've found online won't even allow you to call them, so it's frustrating. I tried joining Habitat for Humanity as a volunteer and can't even get them to respond.... oh well.

I'm still figuring out a lot of things about living here again. I want to join a praise team somewhere so I can actually get back into my music again. That hasn't happened yet, but I believe it will. A few other little things that I was looking forward to about living here again don't seem to be panning out the way I'd hoped, but it's rather out of my control. I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens. That's usually easier said than done for me.

It feels good to be in a good place though. God has led me this far, and I know He won't abandon me now. Sometimes the things you are afraid will destroy you only make you stronger.