Cacophony

Living surrounded by other people constantly is sometimes a challenge for me. As much as I try, I sincerely don't understand people who can't go ten minutes without some sort of noise in the background. I wonder if it's because they are constantly trying to escape their own heads or can't stand to think for too long. For example, people who bring music players to the shower with them. I know music can help some people focus when they are concentrating, but how much focus do you need to take a shower? Now, I love music more than almost anything else, but the shower is often the only quiet 15 minutes in my day without someone talking or something playing in the background. It is my quiet time to wash away the cares of the day and listen to nothing but the water running. I don't really want to listen to your Indie pop for ten minutes of that. I realize it's just a difference of opinion, but I'll be honest - I got cranky. That is probably only a sad commentary on my character. But in either case, I made sure to hurry out of the shower and turn on my hair dryer full blast. I hope she appreciated the 'background noise.'

A Reminder to Myself

I wrote this blog back in October of 2006, and I'm reposting it now. I went back to find it as a reminder to myself, because it's so powerful.

This is an excerpt from "The First Days of School," one of my education textbooks, by Harry K. Wong & Rosemary T. Wong. It is one of the most powerful things I've ever read, and I thought I'd share it.

"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Persons who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing, and are nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live. Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves, for they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free."

So what are you waiting for? A written invitation to participate in life? It's called a birth certificate.

Get Real

This is life in the real world. This crazy, mixed-up, quicksand... ever-changing, bleeding, sweating, weeping, and laughing. Messy and challenging, beautiful and broken. There is no room here for niceties and rose-colored glasses. If you want today's generation to believe you're real, you've got to get real. We're tired of your platitudes and your pretenses that you are anything other than exactly as crazy and messed up as we are. Just because you put away the crazy in your Fibber McGee mental closet doesn't mean it's not there. The only difference is you're less honest about it.

You want to reach us? Start looking at the world through our eyes. This is not the generation you grew up in - moms, dads, aunts, uncles, friends of the family, grandparents - I'm talking to you. You don't ‘get’ us because you're scared to be as real as we want life to be. Most of us are tired of pretending to be anything other than what we are. We need to know that what we believe and think and feel is real, and when it just doesn't add up, we dismiss it. When it seems fake, we want nothing to do with it. We don't even begin to live in the facade of the world you grew up in.

You say we're losing our religion? We look at you and think you never had a relationship with Him. We see empty acts of religiosity and works-oriented beliefs in you. You see apostasy and modernism creeping into us. What my generation wants, what we crave is grassroots revivals. Not going back over the fundamental beliefs or minutiae of doctrines. You've 'doctrined' us right out of the church. We want nothing more to do with your doctrine unless it's based off of true faith.

We want to start back at square one - we want to know first and foremost who God really is, as much as our finite brains can handle and understand. We want God in His infiniteness, as GOD. Not the pre-packaged God-in-a-box we got in our childhood. We want a merciful God who is also just. Not just a God who beats us over the head with the law. When we were kids, half of us were convinced that God didn't even like us, because we were being told half the time that we were disappointing Him with every move we made.

We crave the God in the New Testament who shook up societal and cultural ideals and presented Himself as the offspring of a virgin girl. Never in my 28 years of life have I heard a sermon that really explored that topic very thoroughly. Most people are convinced that the reason God chose an unmarried girl was to show His power over life, and to prove that Christ's birth was divine. Did any of you ever stop to think that He was also shaking up society by the very fact that an unmarried girl became pregnant in the first place? That from Jesus' conception He was proving that our ideas about life, about Him, are nothing more than a tiny piece of Who He really is? He is bigger than your 30 minute sermons, your weekly ritual you claim as worship every Saturday or Sunday. He’s bigger than the arguments over the 28 fundamental beliefs, or however many they have added by now.

There is a world out there that is dying, for want of hope, while you stand debating the finer points of women’s ordination, or your dress code for those serving on the platform. You want to reach those of us who grew up in the faith, let alone those who didn’t? Are you actually willing to do what it takes? It’ll take getting your hands dirty, scuffing up those polished church shoes, wrinkling that 3-piece suit, getting runs in your stockings. You want to share the gospel? Jesus healed and helped first, and preached second. We don’t really want your revelation seminars, although that may reach some. Most of us can’t even hear your words over the roar of circumstances in our lives. We don’t know how to listen over the din of the bills piling up on our tables, the broken relationships we just can’t seem to heal, the jobs that take all of our energy. What we do know how to listen to is kindness, and someone befriending us just for the sake of human compassion. Don’t do it though if you have an agenda. We’ll know it in a heartbeat and it will only turn us away further.

The purpose of church was to create a community of believers, strengthening each other through their circle of faith, lifting up those who needed a helping hand. But sadly, in many cases, it has become the last place you are safe. It is the place you avoid if you don’t want to be condemned, judged, or simply ignored. We’re all guilty. We’ve all been less than kind. We’ve all been less than godly. We can’t change the world single-handedly, but we can allow change to begin in ourselves. We can rediscover the gospel in a nutshell: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

Looking for Ronald Reagan

My mom sent me this email and it really resonated with me, so I thought I'd share it.

Thursday, Sep. 08, 2011

Looking for Ronald Reagan — and Not Finding Him

By Patti Davis

Last night's Republican debate took place at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, an expansive space containing a former Air Force One jet. If you walked out of the hangar-like building and turned left, went up a path past a wide grassy area with a canyon below and miles of sky above, you would reach my father's burial site. On the stone tomb you would read these words: "I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph, and there is purpose and worth to each and every life."

My father said that, and other memorable things, with an earnestness, a resonance, and a sincerity that came from a deep well within him. Note to Mitt Romney, Rick Perry and especially Newt Gingrich — you can invoke my father's name until your tongues fall out, but you will never be anywhere near his shadow. This isn't a political pronouncement on my part. I didn't agree with all of my father's positions and policies, and I would never consider myself a political commentator. I'm the daughter of a man with deep character, who left a huge imprint on this world. He lived a large and meaningful life and I learned over many years that I had to share him with America. But before that — before politics and the presidency — I listened to his stories about being a poor boy in the Midwest, about standing up to racism and learning from his parents that God has a purpose for everyone and everyone is precious in God's eyes. (See TIME's photo essay "Front-Row Seat at the Reagan White House.")

That character is what drew people to my father, whether or not they agreed with his politics. That character is what we are starving for, that many of us had hoped we would find — but are now disappointed that we are not — in President Obama. I think my father, if he were here, would also be disappointed in this administration. But here is the important part: he would never have expressed that with anger and vitriol and snarky soundbites. The Republican candidates tonight appeared to be auditioning for a reality show, not for the lofty position of leading America through and out of these terribly troubled times.

Ironically, the one man on stage who did comport himself with dignity, John Huntsman, is now being dismissed as having not made an impact. The moment he brought the discussion back from airport security to the sweeping poverty and economic panic that is gripping this country was, I thought, profound. It was something my father would have done. But that moment isn't making the news. The zingers like Perry's Ponzi-scheme comment, in reference to Social Security, are getting more attention. Maybe the candidates should have wandered over to my father's gravesite before going on stage. Maybe they should have lingered over the words carved in stone there.

The moment that would have broken my father's heart was the moment when applause broke out at the mention of more than 200 executions ordered by Rick Perry in Texas. It was stunning and brought tears to my eyes. This is what we've come to? That we applaud at executions?

I remember the first time my father ordered an execution when he was Governor. He and a minister went into a room, got down on their knees and prayed. The real shame of our times is that there doesn't seem to be anyone on the political horizon with that compassion in his or her heart.

Patti Davis is the author of The Long Goodbye, a memoir of losing her father to Alzheimer's Disease.

(See "From Actor to Politician: 1966, Ronald Reagan's Pivotal Year.")

Time and Change

It's hard to believe another summer is winding down already and soon it will be fall and then winter again. The longer I live, the more it seems like time is racing past. It's funny that when you are little and you want time to speed up, it moves so slowly, and once you're an adult and heading towards 30 and you would like for time to slow down, it just runs away from you. I'll tell you a secret - I still don't feel like an adult half the time. My body is convinced it's 28, but my mind hasn't decided yet.

A couple weeks ago, I moved out of the house I was renting, and sold my car. Three weeks from now, I'll be getting ready to board a plane for Germany to spend the next 13 months working at a resort hotel. If anyone had told me 6 months ago I'd be HERE (or even 4 months ago actually), I would have laughed at them. The lesson the past 3 months have taught me is to trust that when life seems to be topsy-turvy or just downright annoying, there's a bigger plan in the works. I feel very, very blessed to be where I am today, and I know that in the midst of my complaining about where I was in the past, I am not very deserving to have been given all that I have now. But I am grateful for a God that looks beyond our human frailties and our inability and unwillingness to understand His plan, and sees instead what we potentially can be.

I think sometimes in my life I have been afraid to let myself be happy, because I was afraid it would slip away or that something bad would happen if I was. But I have begun to realize that in order to truly enjoy life, you have to experience both the highs and lows fully. Yes, sometimes living in the moment when life is good can seem to make it more devastating if something goes wrong. But it's the moments when things are difficult that make those good moments even more precious. You can't have one without the other - not in this life, not on this planet.

It might be poor theology from a Christian standpoint, but it makes me think of a quote from the movie Troy.
"I'll tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed."
It's a morbid thought, but there is a morsel of truth in it.

Life really is mostly what you make of it. Regardless of what is ahead in this life, or what is yet in eternity to come, this moment right now is all you truly have. It's a gift, so embrace it with everything you have. Yesterday is gone, and there's no promise of tomorrow in this world. But I have NOW to live, now to appreciate this day that I've been given. Now to smile, and laugh, and dance. And tomorrow? Well, I don't really know anything about tomorrow. It might be full of sunshine, or maybe it's full of storms. But I know Who holds tomorrow, and that's enough for me.

Blessings - by Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family

Protection while we sleep

We pray for healing

For prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness
We doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your blessings in disguise.

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win we know

The pain reminds this heart that this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your blessings in disguise.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise.

Laura Story - "Blessings"

There Are Days....

Some days I feel like I deserve my middle name's meaning - "battle maiden." Today was not one of those days. Today I felt like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. You win some, you lose some.

The Real Reason We Should Use Horses for Transportation

is that I am tired of cars and car repairs. When is the last time you heard someone say that their horse needed new engine mounts or a transmission flush? I mean, it just doesn't happen. Sure, horses cost a lot to buy, and they cost a lot to feed, but lately cars are pretty costly in the 'feed' department too. Plus, horses contribute natural garden fertilizer as a bi-product of their feeding, and cars just pollute the environment. But by far, the most convincing reason to use horses for transportation is this: If you buy two horses, and have one of each sex you can breed them and produce new horses to take the place of the original horses when they get old and don't function well anymore. No matter how many cars you put in one garage, they will never, ever produce another car to take their place when they start to fall apart. Cars just get old, fall to pieces, leave you with tremendous bills and are worth very little in their old age. So if you try to sell them to buy a newer replacement, it's a very sad situation. There are seriously days when I would like to drive my car up to the edge of a cliff somewhere, put a brick on the pedal and hit the dirt so I can watch the car smash into bits on the rocks below. An explosion would be even more entertaining. But now that just sounds like a movie, and I digress. Adieu.

Live

People are forever telling me "cell phones cause brain tumors", or "running is bad for your knees", or this or that or the other thing is bad for you. Quite frankly, my friends, worry will you dig you an early grave faster than anything. I'm not suggesting you make McD's your top choice for quick meals. I'm just saying try to relax a little and enjoy life. Life's too short to consume it with worrying about horrible possibilities.

Mistaken identity

I've been packing and working on random projects throughout today, and started to get really hungry, so I ran over to Subway to grab a sandwich. For some reason, I haven't made it to the grocery store yet to re-stock my pantry. Hah. Seems pointless a week before I plan to move.

Anyway.... The guys who made my sandwich asked me at checkout, "Are you a student at Southern?"
I guess he planned to give me a discount if I was. About a half dozen things went through my head at once. I was flattered that he thought I looked like a college student, then annoyed that I still look that young. Then dubious, because he asked at all. "Uhh, yeah, I just walked out of summer class actually with my diamond nose stud and my questionable T-shirt with skulls on it, and drove over here to grab a sandwich." I didn't say that, of course, but it ran through my mind. Poor guy has obviously never set a toe on campus, either that or he is not too attentive to details. Ironically, I actually still have my old ID in my wallet, and I could have shown it to him and gotten a discount, but the thought never occurred to me, and even if it had, I wouldn't have. I might go ahead and hook up cable TV for free if Comcast forgets to turn it off, but I've never really had the desire to claim to be a student when I'm not. I'm very glad my academic career as a whole is over. That was kind of a funny moment in an otherwise (mostly) ordinary day though.

Gone crazy, leave a message.

Mowed the lawn - check. Checked job listings for the day - check. Stood in line for 30 min to pay my Comcast bill - check (seriously irritating bit, that). Worked out at the BX - check. Finished packing my books - check. Wrote a letter to my grandparents - check. Those things along with other miscellaneous errands, have me feeling decently accomplished for the day. Not working every day is hard on me. It makes me feel sluggish and unhappy. I'm going to have to keep getting out and running little errands even if it uses fuel in my car. I can't deal with the four walls closing in here. Gotta keep moving or I'm going to go crazyyy. Crazy Mandy is not a good thing.

Touched by an Angel - poem by Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

-Maya Angelou

Taking risks

"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Persons who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing, and are nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live. Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves, for they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free."

So what are you waiting for? A written invitation to participate in life? It's called a birth certificate. ;-)

Bugs

If Johann Strauss II had been writing his composition "Roses from the South" (Rosen aus dem Süden) in Tennessee, it would have been entitled "Kakerlaken aus dem Süden" (Roaches from the South) I believe. *shudders* This area of the country is an entomologist's dream!

For the record, I tend to be a neat/clean freak, and my roommate tends to be too. And she's sprayed the house too, multiple times. There's no keeping the bugs out here. I miss life in Colorado, where the largest spider I saw was the size of the smallest spider I've seen here.

Time to pack...

Sorting through years of memories... piles of stuff. Most of it unnecessary, some of it needs to go. But all of it is little pieces of my life. The flower I wore in my hair to a Big Band concert, the shirt I bought in British Columbia...

A thousand memories fit into one 10 x 11 foot room. Glimpses of the past 28 years of my life, and everything I've collected along the way.

There's a chapter in my life that's closing, and a new one that is just beginning. I don't mourn the past. It taught me lessons I had to learn in life. And I don't dread the future - I celebrate it, with all of its possibilities and mysteries. But I do feel the tug of emotions that tie me to memories from days gone by. I see the beauty in where I've been led in my life to the point I'm at now. The pitfalls I avoided, although at the time I didn't see them as such. In some ways, it's like looking at old photographs, and seeing a snapshot of the way things were. I saw a few photographs today too... some that were worth much more than a thousand words.

Ah, well... I need to get back to work. Still plenty to do. I feel so infinitely blessed to have the life that I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I can't wait to make new memories to look back on in future years.

"I"

I threw myself a pity party of one today. I decided my problems were more important than anything else going on in the world, and I wholeheartedly sank into the mire of my despair. Fortunately, I didn't stay there for long, thanks to the voice of reason coming from someone who loves me. I don't think I fully left my self-constructed zone of misery though, until just a bit ago, when I stumbled across the blog of a former schoolmate of mine, Daniel Harper.

I had been cranky all day about my recent job loss, getting told that my remaining job didn't need me today, the aches and pains of recent minor injuries and muscle tension. And I suddenly felt very, very ashamed of myself. I have every reason to be ashamed of myself.

It's a blog written by a 25-year-old, fighting for his life and battling brain cancer, and still finding something to be positive about. His story of his day-to-day battle, and the love of his wife who works a full-time job and still manages to take care of him too. The love in his 'voice' when he talks about her, and how she married him knowing that he had brain cancer. And it literally broke my heart and I cried, because I can read in his words both the beauty of the love that keeps them both going, and the incredible loss that they deal with on a daily basis. He said that in the midst all of his pain, his one hope is that God can still use him to touch the lives of others. Well, Daniel, your hope is realized.

But what broke my heart most was realizing how easy I really have it, how much I am truly blessed, and how ridiculously often I use the word "I" without a thought for anyone else. I'm sure one could argue that there will nearly always be someone in the world who has it worse than you do, or someone in the world who has it better. That's besides the point. Even in comparing myself to others, I am still predominantly thinking of myself.

The point I am trying to make, to myself if to no one else is, and what I took away from Daniel's blog more than anything was the journey he has been on. The constant battle in his own mind to see the bigger picture, and not be consumed by the self-pity that so easily ensues; and in his case, I would say from a human standpoint, he has every right to feel sorry for himself. It really doesn't get much worse than to be young and full of dreams and ideas and stuck in a body that is in complete rebellion. And yet, somewhere in the midst of all of it, he seems to have realized that positivity and optimism and God-centered thinking may be the only things that keep him going. Even though his natural reaction could very easily be to "curse God and die" as Job's friends so aptly put it, he is fighting to keep his mind centered on life, on things to live for.

I'm incredibly thankful for the reminder - for the jarring reality check. I don't really think it was a coincidence that I found his blog today either. When I was in college, it was generally an amazing speaker at convo (there were approx. 1 or 2 of those in any given year, for the record) whose story would speak to me and jolt me from my complacency. One year, it was a Vietnamese woman who spoke - she was the little girl from the Time photo running down the street on fire from napalm - and her incredible story that tore me away from my depression over my ongoing battles with TMJD pain. This time, it was Daniel Harper's story that reminds me. But really, I think it is my Abba Father speaking to me where I'm at, through the stories of others and their journeys. In any case, I am grateful.

The Naysayers

"The greatest revenge is to accomplish what others say you cannot do." -Unknown

I've never really understood why some people seem to feed off of throwing up roadblocks and creating problems where there are no problems to begin with. The hardest part to take is when it comes from people who should be encouraging you. I've found so many times that things really can be as simple as you make them. If you want to make them complicated, you can, but why would you want to?
I'm not even close to being the world's smartest human, but neither am I lacking in scruples or incapable of clear thinking. It is so trying to be questioned as though you have the mental capacity of a small child. The final conclusion I came to at the end of today though, was that it's my life and I'm the only one who can live it and enjoy it to the fullest. There is no room in my life for negative people. Life is beautiful, and yes life is at times tragic, but life is rich. Call me crazy, but I don't ever want to stop dreaming, or stop going on life adventures. That, to me, is the stuff of life. I don't put much stock in the ordinary, I don't aspire to be normal. I don't feel ready to be satisfied with average. Carpe diem.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I was needing some encouragement tonight, and I found these quotes:
"It is a well-known fact that we see the faults in other's works more readily than we do in our own." -- Pablo Picasso

"To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." -- Elbert Hubbard

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway ." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"It is much easier to be critical that to be correct." --Benjamin Disreli

"Blame is safer than praise." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned." -- Dale Carnegie

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain... and most fools do." -- Dale Carnegie

The First Division - speech

Picked up a copy of this speech at Cantigny Park near Chicago Illinois, the estate of Colonel Robert McCormick who served in the First Division during his military career and also ran the Chicago Tribune for years afterward.

General Pershing: General De Chambrun - Whom I remember so well at the Battle of Cantigny, with your sage advice, your calm assurance, and your pipe; and you men of the two republics who laid down your lives in brotherly heroism. Over the years, we shall remember you, sleeping together on the battlefields, peacefully, like children in a nursery surely your spirits are with us today as we commemorate the first division. Our soldiers came from every state and of the races which make the American nation. The senior officers were picked men from the regular army - men devoted to the principles of duty, honor, country. The juniors were chosen ones from that flowering of our people. The first officers training camp - young men who rushed to hardship and death without thought of material or military reward. Battle hardened in the division, many of its officers were promoted to lead the troops arriving from America - Colonels, Brigadiers, two Chiefs of staff of Army Corps, one Chief of Corps Artillery, seven Division Commanders, three Corps Commanders, and the Commander of an Army. The American expeditionary force was in large part led and leavened by the men of the First Division. We trained in the summer and maneuvered in the cold fall and winter of the French Comte. Our communications were cut by the Armies reinforcing Italy, and supplies failing, men suffered and horses starved. This was the period of greatest hardship experienced by American soldiers since Valley Forge. But no one complained. And one bitter day in January, the order of battle showed "The American Division" in the line. Occupying a position which afforded no view of the enemy, but in full sight of his observation post on Montsec, without aviation against a foe richly supplied with airplanes, exposed to enemy air raids and to enemy aerial observation, The First Division underwent its baptism of fire. Here that iron Division was forged to steel in shell fire and tempered in the blood of its dead. It learned to receive fire to which it could not reply, to bury comrades to which it could not avenge. Not until the first night of March, when, under the protection of barrage and mortar fire, the enemy raided our lines for prisoners - to take none, but to leave his troops prisoners in our hands and his dead for us to bury - did it taste of victory. After the British catastrophe in Picardy, the First Division was among the troops chosen to restore the lines. Here it fought for forty bloody days and suffered five thousand casualties, and here at Cantigny score a small, but desperate, victory at a moment when victory was indispensable to the allied cause after the French rout on the Chemin Des Dames. Had the American Division failed that day, the last hope of the allies would have waned. But it did not fail. From here it went to fight in the decisive battle of Soissons; to victory of St. Mihiel, to the blood-bath of the Argonne,; to Sedan; and at last to plant its banners on the walls of Ehrenbreitstein, and to water its horses in the Rhine. In all these battles the First Division never failed to take an objective; it never lost a position taken; it never left a dead commander unburied. The officers march forward on foot with the men. Only those who went to the rear in battle rode - and they in ambulances. Its victories were won at bitter cost. Its lost in dead, wounded, and broken by hardship three times more men than it numbered on its mustering day. Every officer who served here at Cantigny was killed or promoted before the Armistice. Their great work done, the men of the Division returned to the people from whom they had sprung. You will not find our soldiers among the leaders in commerce and industry, nor seeking the spoils of political office. Well they know that they can never again serve their country so gloriously as they served in the war, nor receive any material reward equal to that of duty done. They do not talk of their triumphs of sufferings. But from their faces their neighbors know the ordeal they have survived. Quietly they await the day when they will camp once more with their comrades at the Vibouac of the dead. But the First Division will never die in the memory of gallant people. For them it will march forever. March on then, First Division! March over the sunny hills of France; March through the flaming towns of Picardy; up the shell-swept slopes of the Lorraine; through the gas-filled forest of the Argonne; on into the everlasting glory!

Cantigny, France

August 9, 1937

Things that occurred to me today....

Pretty sure Glade needs a new marketing manager. Why would you name an aerosol air freshener scent "Fruit Explosion"? Did it not occur to them that the most frequent use of said air freshener is in a bathroom? Inappropriate...

Dear Facebook Friends: I love each and every one of you, and I mean you no harm when I say any picture you post of yourself in a mirror automatically loses major coolness points when there is a toilet in the background. If I have to explain it, it's not even worth the effort.

If my boyfriend dropped by my workplace to say "hi" at lunch, it would be very odd for someone to come and sit in on our conversation and act like they were a part of it. Yet if I am Skyping with him at lunch, some of the new people at the office think it is perfectly acceptable to come in and interrupt me and try to carry on a conversation with me and/or him while I'm trying to talk on video chat. If you need me for work, by all means, let me know. Seriously, I will help in whatever way I can. But if you're just trying to be social, there are 7 other hours in the workday to ask me about my life. He's in Germany for heaven's sake, and I get to talk to him for one sacred hour during the workday. Go away.

There was a deer standing on the side of the road when I drove over to my friends' house shortly before dusk. It didn't even flinch. I think deer are slowly taking over the world. Either that, or spiders are. I am afraid to know how many spiders are in my house for every one of them I kill. *shudders involuntarily* Dear Catchmaster Sticky Traps: PLEASE do your job. My flip-flops are begging for a leave of absence from the war on arachnids.

I tend to like the way other people put things into words better than anything I've ever written. Some of my friends should be syndicated authors. The inspiring/funny/ironic things they write on a daily basis never cease to amaze me. The phrases and vocabulary they use and the analogies they draw are incredible - so inspiring.

I talk too much.

It would never, ever occur to me to go to a doctor if I had a rib out of alignment, no matter how painful it was. Generally, someone who cares about me has to beg me to get me to go to a doctor for any reason.

I have more drafts of blogs that I have never posted than I have actual blog posts. Basically what this boils down to is a whole lot of things I felt compelled to say that weren't necessarily good public displays. And I probably still don't censor myself enough.

Oldest children, especially girls, can be incredibly bossy. I say this with full knowledge that I fall into this category. That being said, children make me smile. My friends have the cutest kids ever, and the best part is they like me too. There's nothing like the sweet friendship of a little kid to make you feel like your life is worthwhile. I've always thought children tend to be better judges of character in many respects than adults are, so when a little kid likes me, I take it as a huge compliment from him/her. Walking into a room and getting a big smile or a hug from a little person is like the sun coming out on a cloudy day. I don't think that could ever get old or mundane.

Even though I have a lot of months I barely make ends meet, ever since I've been on my own, I've never truly considered myself to be poor. There are days when I feel sad because I see a pretty dress I want and I can't even begin to buy it. But truthfully, I have everything I need, and I have been blessed so much, there really isn't anything I want that badly. I am so thankful for the blessings I have. The only thing I want badly that money can buy is a plane ticket to Germany. :-P

Tonight I'm thankful for...

The beautiful friendships in my life. The wisdom of those around me who are living life to the fullest and finding God's paths for their lives. The precious moments that make this life all worthwhile. The laughter, and the tears that make us wiser, stronger, and more fit for the journey ahead.

The moments in my life where I couldn't see the plan God had for me, and often questioned what He was doing. Those times when I doubted, I now see how much better His way was than mine could ever have been.

And although I have by no means 'arrived' now, I can see where I have been and where I am now, and I'm so thankful to be here versus there. I'm thankful now that things didn't go 'my way'.

Life is about precious little moments... a hug from a good friend. A shared laugh. Indulging in a slice of decadent white chocolate cake at ungodly hours of the night. The little bird I set free today from flypaper. The giggles of kids at play.

I am so very blessed.

"Roll back the curtain of memory now and then. Show me where You brought me from, and where I could have been. Remember I'm human, and humans forget. So remind me..."

Late night productivity

I suppose that I should have skipped the nap earlier... I was babysitting for friends, which didn't actually require any alertness, since the kids were in bed, so I passed out on the couch for a couple hours. Considering the fact that I have written a letter to my grandparents and finished my loan consolidation form since 1a.m., the nap may or may not have been counter-productive. I will never understand how it is that I am so much more productive after normal human beings have long ago drifted off to sleep than I am during normal waking hours of the day. I suspect something is hard-wired oddly in my DNA. Right now, I feel like I could quite easily stay up another 2 hours and re-organize my room, which also is in dire need of attention. Something about having a closet the size of shoe-box is counter-productive to keeping anything in its proper place. By the time I've expended massive amounts of time and energy re-arranging items enough to wrestle one of them out of the bottom of the closet, I have lost all interest in putting it back once I am finished with said item. Bad habit, true story. In my defense, when I had a walk-in sized closet, my room was never, ever this disorganized for any extended length of time. So, I blame it entirely on the closet.

The rest of my house is generally spotless for the most part, and quite uncluttered. I will never know why the builders of this house put two walk-in closets in the larger bedroom (my rooommate's) and one miniature closet in the smaller room. But I would dearly love to have a talk with them and expound on my views of their overall short-sightedness.

Otherwise, it is a perfect little house. Our landlord is A-mazing, and you can't beat that. But I would gladly give up three feet of the living room to have some more storage in this place.

That being said, I have decided it is time for some major house-cleaning, and I am about to unload a bunch of my stuff either into the dumpster or donate it to charity. I have too much stuff I don't even ever look at or use, and there is no point in it sitting around taking up space I don't have. Plus, it makes it ten times harder when I have to move, which I inevitably will and probably sooner rather than later. Might as well be prepared now. It would almost be easier to toss some boxes of stuff without going through them, but that would be taking the easy way out, and I'm sure I would wind up missing stuff later that I'd wanted to keep.

Tomorrow is a day off for me, so I suppose I should get cracking on this diabolical project. I'd really rather go to the dentist and get a root canal...

On a more positive note, my boss didn't yell at me today for anything, although some of the patients did a fair job of making up for that... The boss did announce that he is selling the building we are in and moving locations in June. I would dearly love a job with some stability for once in my life, but since I don't have one, I'm halfway ready to say to heck with it all and up and move. Europe is sounding better by the day, but really anywhere I don't have to kill spiders on a daily basis and wind up dripping wet from the humidity and heat 5 minutes after stepping out of the shower would be an improvement in my mind. I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life, so I don't mean to sound whiny. I am merely pointing out there is room for improvements, and I'm about to make some of those. If you don't like something change it, or deal with it. At least, that is my philosophy...

Truthfully, I just know I am restless here, and this has never been a part of the country I wanted to settle in long-term. The longer I stay here, I am just prolonging the misery and other than the friends and family I will leave behind, I am not remotely sorry to leave. Life is constantly changing and moving... I used to be afraid of that, but not anymore. I think change keeps us sharp, keeps us from becoming stagnant and apathetic. I'm excited for the possibilities of where life could take me next. I will only have this freedom to go and do whatever I want now while I'm young and not tied down. Why look back on it someday and regret missed opportunities? So, my foot is itching, as the saying goes... while I'm figuring out what to do next, guess I'll keep praying about it and looking for the best options. Oh, the possibilities!

Nocturne/Bohemian Rhapsody - Lucia Micarelli

Lucia Micarelli - "Kashmir"

The Prayer

I pray You'll be our eyes

And watch us where we go

And help us to be wise

In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer

When we lose our way

Lead us to a place

Guide us with Your grace

To a place where we'll be safe.

La luce che tu dai

I pray we'll find Your light

Nel cuore resterà

And hold it in our hearts

A ricordarci che

When stars go out each night

L'eterna stella sei

Nella mia preghiera

Let this be our prayer

Quanta fede c'è

When shadows fill our day

Lead us to a place

Guide us with Your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.

Sognamo un mundo senza più violenza

Un mundo di giustizia e di speranza

Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino

Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

La forza che ci dia

We ask that life be kind

È el desiderio che

And watch us from above

Ognuno trovi amor

We hope each soul will find

Intorno e dentro a sè

Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer

Let this be our prayer

Just like every child

Just like every child

Need to find a place

Guide us with Your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe

E la fede che

Hai acceso in noi

Sento che ci salverai.

Written by David Foster and Carol Bayer Sager

Sheer determination

"I am woman, hear me roar" is all well and good as a catch-phrase until you're stuck trying to move furniture and hefting a large mattress all by your lonesome. Suddenly it seems more appropriate to rephrase to "I am woman, hear me mew."

Hate to think how much more fun that would have been a few months back before I started hitting the gym more...

Storms

Thankful to be safe and sound with electricity and everything intact so far. Was stuck at work when the storm hit around 3 this afternoon, stuck in Wal-Mart on a code black when the supercell passed through around 6:30 tonight on a code black. My parents have two trees down in their yard near Hamilton Place, but thankfully no other damage. I'm currently hunkered down at a friend's house because their house is a little more sturdy than mine. Crazy, crazy weather.

Chasing the Wind

You win some, you lose some. You crash and burn. You trip and fall. The question is who is there to offer you a hand to get back up. Who gets down and helps you pick up the pieces and move on? The truth is that at the end of the day, when you tried your damnedest and you still came up short... welcome to life. The best we ever have is nothing but a series of tries, a lot of grit and determination, some tears and laughs along the way. You can sit down and plan it all out and micro-manage it to the nth degree. And you can still wind up with it all in 249 pieces in your lap, holding onto a broken shard and asking what the hell happened? There's nothing more calming than letting it all fly into the wind... realizing you don't have your stuff together and you never will entirely, and just living in the moment you are given now. Not to be reckless and wasteful, but to embrace each beautiful second with the knowledge that this, here and now, is all you really have right now. The knowledge that a bigger Power than you or me has it all in hand, and He knows exactly how the pieces fit together. Those days when nothing in life makes any sense at all, when you're pretty sure that your life was supposed to go differently than this... He's smiling at what you don't know, what you can't see yet.

Self-diagnosis

My heart is an unruly thing, forever in rebellion against my mind. Always seeking ways to leave me a tortured soul. It goes wandering around, looking for trouble, as if trouble wouldn't find it anyway. It is rarely ever still, only occasionally numb. But mostly it is a wildly beating thing, springing at the walls of its cage, wanting to burst forth and conquer the world. Alas, it is but a mortal organ with no miraculous powers of its own. It thinks it can overcome all obstacles, defy gravity and logic, and solve world hunger all in a single beat. It thinks it can love enough for two people so that it doesn't matter if it gets love back or not. It thinks it can take a fall of epic proportions and somehow put itself back together in some semblance of order. And even when it is lying bleeding and shattered on the ground, it still has faith. Stupid, blind faith. No sense of reason or recognition of facts. Just an unshakable faith that it can move mountains. It is a willful child, rarely listening to reason, only occasionally responding to discipline and consequences. But above all else, it is strong. For all its faults, it is the eternal optimist. When it seems all hope is gone, it keeps beating. It is the fighter inside of me, ready for the knockout punch, and just as ready to get back up and try again. Ever loyal to a fault, although foolish through and through, it holds out hope. And somehow it keeps going.

Places I have been...

I just counted them up and I've been to 34 U.S. states. I've also been to Canada, Mexico, and Haiti. Asterisks (*) are states I've actually lived in.

Alabama

Arkansas

Colorado*

Florida

Georgia

Idaho

Illinois*

Indiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

Maryland

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

New York

North Carolina

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee*

Texas

Utah

Virginia

West Virginia

Wisconsin

Wyoming

So the 16 I haven't been to are:

Alaska

Arizona

California

Connecticut

Delaware

Hawaii

Maine

Massachusetts

Nebraska

Nevada

New Hampshire

New Jersey

New Mexico

North Dakota

Rhode Island

Vermont

Of mice and of men.... well actually, forget the mice.

So here I am on a Friday night, babysitting till 3a.m. The kids are in bed of course, so I have nothing but time to kill. I could fall asleep, but then I'll be groggy on the way home. I could watch a movie, but I'm completely bored with that idea. (True story.) I'm not complaining. I need the money for groceries this week, and the kids weren't difficult tonight. Getting paid for sitting on someone else's couch is not exactly a hardship.

I'm just blathering because I have nothing better to do.

I was texting about half a dozen people, but then they started dropping like flies and going to bed. Silly people. Who needs sleep anyway?

It has been raining on and off all day today. The baby woke up about an hour ago and I had to try to get her back to sleep. There's something very calming about settling into a couch with a one-year-old snuggled up with you, just listening to the rain outside. That was the peaceful moment I needed for the day.

Then true to form for me, I went and I got all riled up again over nothing. I've always said that all thoroughbreds are high-strung, but I'm starting to realize I take it to extremes at times. I have a brain that never shuts off (ever), an overactive imagination, and a lot of dumb ideas about how people should behave. Namely, I expect people to behave like me, and no one ever does. Human behavior is a complete enigma to me most of the time. I should have taken psychology in college. Then possibly it would make more sense to me.

"The Quitter" by Robert Service

When you're lost in the Wild, and you're scared as a child,
And Death looks you bang in the eye,
And you're sore as a boil, it's according to Hoyle
To cock your revolver and . . . die.
But the Code of a Man says: "Fight all you can,"
And self-dissolution is barred.
In hunger and woe, oh, it's easy to blow . . .
It's the hell-served-for-breakfast that's hard.

"You're sick of the game!" Well, now, that's a shame.
You're young and you're brave and you're bright.
"You've had a raw deal!" I know -- but don't squeal,
Buck up, do your damnedest, and fight.
It's the plugging away that will win you the day,
So don't be a piker, old pard!
Just draw on your grit; it's so easy to quit:
It's the keeping-your-chin-up that's hard.

It's easy to cry that you're beaten -- and die;
It's easy to crawfish and crawl;
But to fight and to fight when hope's out of sight --
Why, that's the best game of them all!
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,
All broken and beaten and scarred,
Just have one more try -- it's dead easy to die,
It's the keeping-on-living that's hard.

Why am I still awake?

Tired of feeling like Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-Pullyu.

Just call me Graceful....

Slipped on some hardwood stairs at work today and hit my lower back on the way down. Survived, but I'm walking kinda funny, and it's going to be one of those nights when I wake up every time I roll over. I can't even sit with my back against a chair. There's a 6-inch round area in the small of my back that's swollen and bruised. Yeehaw. Such a simple thing walking down stairs.... too bad I messed it up.

Eat | Pray | Love

I was watching the movie this weekend, and this quote stuck with me. Not because it's healthy to be this way, or it's who I want to be, but because I have been this person in the past, and I know exactly what she means.

“I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my body, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time — everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I am so exhausted and depleted that the only possible way I can recover [my energy] is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

From Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Randomness

So I've developed a habit of making notes in my phone when I want to remember a clever thought or something someone said that caught my attention, but I'm tired of having them all in my phone and decided I would just blog them, lol.

If they don't make sense, too bad. They did at the time. Haha.

"The purpose of a lighthouse is not to blow a horn - it's to shine." -Doug Batchelor

Overheard at the hair salon: "Imagine if there was such a thing as an out of context motivational speaker." (And the context for that comment was people who try to sound smart by using long phrases/big words, and yet in reality have no idea what they're actually saying.

Overheard at the airport returning from a cruise: "Let me describe cruises for you - you eat your way around the Caribbean." (In reference to the over-abundance of free food on ship.)

Pickup line of the day: "Do you have a quarter?" "Why?" "I told my boyfriend I would call him when I found someone better."

Feeling shipwrecked at the moment.

(If you don't get it, read the quote for my blog.)

Perfect

"Perfect" by Pink

(clean version including song link)

Made a wrong turn once or twice

Dug my way out, blood and fire

Bad decisions, that's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss "No way, it's all good."

It didn't slow me down.

Mistaken, always second-guessing, underestimated

Look I'm still around.

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

That you're nothing, you are perfect to me.

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!

Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game

It's enough - I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me.

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear

So cool in line and we try, try, try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time.

Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere

They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me.

http://www.myspace.com/pinkspage/music/songs/f-kin-perfect-perfect-76252673

Feb 14, 2011

Thankful for a good Valentine's Day and for the awesome people in my life who helped make it that way. :-) I was given a beautiful hyacinth, an amazing cupcake, some yummy homemade cookies and fudge... but it was the thoughts behind the gifts that were what I loved the most. You all know who you are.... Thanks for making my day. :-) And there were many people who made my day just by being in my life, so this is for you too.

And to think I'm normally a 'hater' of Valentine's Days.... lol.

Blue Snow

The snow is making me blue. It followed me from the West apparently. It never snows this much in Tennessee normally.... And I don't think my bad knee appreciates this weather either.

I've always been told water therapy is good for you, but yesterday I tried dog-paddling a few laps in the pool at the gym. It hurt my knee, but I figured it would survive. Today my knee hates me, especially after a little bit of walking in the mall. Came home and had to ice it. Started limping. Darn old ski injury. Darn snow. Nothing good comes of it...

P.S. Don't worry - I am not turning into a full-blown pessimist. I just need more sunlight, literally. I seem to get depressed after too many cloudy days.

Super Bowl 2011

You can tell how much attention I pay to football. I totally forgot tomorrow was the big game until I stopped by the store and everyone and their second cousin Cletus was there....

White and nerdy

Tanning beds are the very devil, but I have a feeling showing up in the Caribbean in March looking like I do now would be even more detrimental to my skin and overall health....

Entitlement & My Empty Fridge

Just got through tossing all the stuff in my fridge that was questionable due to the power being shut off for 24 hours. It made me very sad. I'm not sure why people have to be so cruel and unusual. I feel like I've been personally attacked though, and I don't even know the person attacking my house, etc. It makes me angry, because I just started working full time again and am getting back on me feet financially, and I now have to replace I don't know how many $$ worth of groceries because someone wanted revenge for no good reason. And I just feel sorry for her that she has to stoop that low just to feel good about herself and her life.